You know that person who doesn’t ‘listen’ so much as ‘waits for you to stop talking so that they can talk about themselves’? The one who can somehow turn any discussion into a personal monologue and always seems to have a 1up on you, no matter the topic?
It goes like this…
You: “My son is getting teeth -”
Them: “OH MY KID HAD 11 TEETH BEFORE THEY WERE EVEN BORN.”
You: “My mom might have cancer -”
Them: “I HAD CANCER EIGHT TIMES AND I SURVIVED BECAUSE I’M A SURVIVOR.”
You: “I’m so excited that I just got this job, it’s such a great opportu-”
Them: “RIGHT? ISN’T IT JUST THE BEST WHEN YOU’RE BETTER THAN EVERYONE ELSE AND GET THE PERFECT JOB LIKE I DID?”
That person is the worst. They should be muzzled or forced into a locked room with James Franco, Charlie Sheen and Kanye West. Good luck working yourself into that conversation, you narcissistic butt. Sadly, this personality flaw is so freaking common now. And you know why? SOCIAL NETWORKING. I know what you’re thinking. For a blogging, tweeting, instagramming, facebooking, wanna-be successful writer… I sure do hate on internet socialization a lot. So now you know my secret: I am a big, fat hypocrite. It’s fine. I’ll own that. Stop changing the subject.
All of these social networks have given us so many platforms to exhibit ourselves that we seem to have forgotten that we’re not auditioning for a Shakespearean play. Relationships are built on communication which, weirdly enough, means listening and talking to other human beings – not speaking at them. If your only response to something a friend has said/posted/written involves the words ME or MY, just don’t. And don’t jump up my ass with the defence of “relating” or “empathizing” and just be honest with yourself. Nobody cares. You don’t want to be that person who warrants an internal scream of, “SHUTTHEFUUUUUCKUUUUUP”, every time your name pops up on a computer scream.
I’m just looking out for you, helping you make friends. You’re welcome. Now…let’s talk about my awesome, brilliant children and my perfect, wonderful life…