The age old (super recent) argument of dog vs. baby.

Lately, I’ve noticed a lot of people comparing dog ownership to having a baby. Before I continue, I just want to clear some things up. If you legitimately can’t tell the difference then here is a handy checklist:

1. Is it covered in fur from head to toe, and on all four legs?
2. Do you feed it two or three times a day from a bowl on the floor?
3. Would you leave it at home by itself for any period of time?

If you’ve answered yes to all of these questions, that’s probably a dog. Either that or you’ve got a fucked up baby and you’re a seriously terrible parent.

Now that we have that sorted out, I’ll carry on. Every time someone shares some meme or rant about how a dog should be treated no differently than a baby as far as re-homing etc, I want to do one of two things. First, lend them my children and laugh maniacally. Or the second, tell them to choose between saving either a baby or a dog from a killer zombie cobra.

Here’s the thing. People give babies up for adoption all the damn time, but I don’t see that being mentioned on the good ol’ Facebook every day. Does that seem like a ridiculous point? WELL, SO DOES COMPARING AN ANIMAL TO MY CHILD. You are not a “mommy” or “daddy” just because you have a dog. I can not leave my child tied up outside of a coffee shop (so I’ve been told). I can not entertain my child by throwing a stick (all the time). And I can not pay a kennel to keep my child for a week at a time if I want to go on vacation (at least not that I’m aware of but if this is a thing please let me know…for science).

I love animals. I have a handful of ’em. I’ve grown up with plenty. And I totally squeal and corner strangers when they have an adorable puppy in their possession. But I also understand that sometimes life happens and an animal needs to be re-homed. Now, it should be done responsibly and with care. All animals should be treated with love and with their best interests in mind. And you know what, sometimes their best interests are the reason for re-homing. So how about we all take a step back from shaming someone who’s made a difficult decision involving a beloved pet and focus on shitty animal abusers, critters in need and controlling the pet population through spaying, neutering and shutting down breeders.

While trying to write this, my ten month old ate a pencil so fuck it. I take it all back. There is no difference between puppies and babies. Does anyone know where I can get one of those kid leashes…?

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